MDMA

So I took MDMA yesterday, with my best friend.

What an experience.

Ah.

So here are some of the insights I had:

I used to be beautiful as a child. Looked very androgynous. Had longish hair. Some thought I was a girl. Once I hit puberty I stopped being beautiful. I got fat, had to start wearing glasses, got horrible self-esteem and body-image, became a nerd, became fully autogynephilic, became insecure about my masculinity, became jealous and afraid of girls, stopped caring about my appearance.

After that I realized that I could become attractive as a male with some effort. Got obsessed about getting my body into shape. Started training, lost weight, started looking good again. My bad body-image persisted. 

Autogynephilia got increasingly more pronounced. Went from ignoring, denying and suppressing it to fully embracing it. Realized that I want to be female. Badly. Stopped caring about embracing my masculinity.

Started feeling extremely guilty due to my narcissism. Realized the reason why I want to be female and beautiful is so that both me and others find me attractive and lovable. And so that I can embrace my femininity and project it outwards. Realized that I both don't want to and cannot achieve this without making it available to everyone since the changes I desire depend on the development of extremely advanced technologies, bordering on magic.

I can also see why I have become so scared. I was hurt by others physically and mentally from an early age. But I was loved as well. This mix of nurturing love and harmful hatred made me extremely confused and scared. I always felt threatened, at the mercy of others reckless whims and madness. I found it hard to trust others and thus also myself. I could not make sense of why others harmed me I started believing that I simply deserve to be hated for being who I am.

Realized that to heal and transform myself I need to give the same opportunity of healing and transformation to everyone, since we are all interconnected and One.

Thank God it's like that.

I've also realized that I've turned myself into a prophet. There is no way back now. And there shouldn't be.