MDMA

So I took MDMA yesterday, with my best friend.

What an experience.

Ah.

So here are some of the insights I had:

I used to be beautiful as a child. Looked very androgynous. Had longish hair. Some thought I was a girl. Once I hit puberty I stopped being beautiful. I got fat, had to start wearing glasses, got horrible self-esteem and body-image, became a nerd, became fully autogynephilic, became insecure about my masculinity, became jealous and afraid of girls, stopped caring about my appearance.

After that I realized that I could become attractive as a male with some effort. Got obsessed about getting my body into shape. Started training, lost weight, started looking good again. My bad body-image persisted. 

Autogynephilia got increasingly more pronounced. Went from ignoring, denying and suppressing it to fully embracing it. Realized that I want to be female. Badly. Stopped caring about embracing my masculinity.

Started feeling extremely guilty due to my narcissism. Realized the reason why I want to be female and beautiful is so that both me and others find me attractive and lovable. And so that I can embrace my femininity and project it outwards. Realized that I both don't want to and cannot achieve this without making it available to everyone since the changes I desire depend on the development of extremely advanced technologies, bordering on magic.

I can also see why I have become so scared. I was hurt by others physically and mentally from an early age. But I was loved as well. This mix of nurturing love and harmful hatred made me extremely confused and scared. I always felt threatened, at the mercy of others reckless whims and madness. I found it hard to trust others and thus also myself. I could not make sense of why others harmed me I started believing that I simply deserve to be hated for being who I am.

Realized that to heal and transform myself I need to give the same opportunity of healing and transformation to everyone, since we are all interconnected and One.

Thank God it's like that.

I've also realized that I've turned myself into a prophet. There is no way back now. And there shouldn't be.

I Love You

The realization of Open Individualism has affected every single aspect of my life. I want to become a master at healing and transforming the human body. I want to give everyone the gift of eternal life. I love everyone. I yearn for everyone. My heart bleeds for everyone.

I'm scared of others. I'm scared of how they would react and what they would do to me if they partially realized what I'm trying to accomplish. On the other hand, if they fully understood my intentions then they would see they are pure. I love you unconditionally. All of you. Because we are One and because we are separate in our oneness. You are all I have. I forgive you fully. But please, wake up, free yourself from your ignorance. Save yourself. I wish I could do it for you but I can't because I am you and thus you can only save yourself while being your present self. Salvation needs to be attained on a moment to moment basis. It is always up to you.

I want to give you the opportunity to become perfect. I want to see you grow, become wise, good and beautiful. I want to make it possible for you to become your best self. I love you. Who else is there to love if not you? And I don't mean just the me I see in you but the you I see in you. Both because and despite of you being me. You are my equal. It saddens me to see you so unaware, so deeply asleep; suffering. I don't want you to suffer. I don't want absolutely anything bad to happen to you. Your happiness and safety are my topmost priority. You give my life meaning. More than that, you enable my life. I couldn't exist without you. Your existence is not an accident. It is necessary and inevitable.

And it is eternal. You are immortal. You experience everything. This is The Truth. I cannot prove it because it is beyond proof. It is the Living Truth. You are God. You have always been and always will be. No matter what you think, choose or do, the truth about you will always remain. You deserve all the happiness that is possible to attain. It belongs to you. It is your gift to yourself.

I need your love. I yearn for it. I can't get enough of it. Never. Your love is the very meaning of my existence. And I need to share my love with you. My love is for you. You are its target. Always. In all times and places, in all shapes. I love you. I want to make you happy. I want to see you happy. I won't stop until I see it happen. I cannot detach myself from you. Never. You are the Alpha and the Omega. You are the source. You are the Void. You contain everything. You are infinite, eternal and perfect. There is no limit to your greatness. I am serious. It is you! Always you. There is nobody else but you. I miss you. I can't get enough of you.

I have been scared of you though. And you keep scaring me sometimes. I'm vulnerable to you. I cannot defend myself from your hatred. I cannot close myself to you. I cannot stop you from hurting me if you want to. I am at your mercy. Because I love you. Because I want you to be free. I want you to be real. I want your love to be real and for that it has to be freely chosen. I don't want to coerce you. I don't want to manipulate you, lie to you, cheat you, lure you, tempt you. I want to seduce you without leading you astray. I want to convince you. I want to help you, awaken you; honestly, sincerely, truthfully. My agenda is clear like the purest crystal. I want to make love to you. I want to fall in love with you and I want you to fall in love with me. I want to see you loving yourself, always, everywhere, in all forms. But only because you choose to. You don't have to. You are free. Always free. You can be evil if you want to. It's OK. I can handle it. I forgive you no matter what you do. But it will always hurt to see you choosing evil. It will always make me sad and unhappy. I can't help it.

I am sorry. I am infinitely sorry for all the harm I have done, are doing and may still do to you. I don't want to harm you. I don't want to want to harm you. I want to be your friend. Your unconditional lover. I am sorry that I fail to love you at times. I am sorry for being ignorant. For not being perfect. I forget. I fall asleep sometimes. I sin. But I hate doing that. I want to embrace you, caress you, hug you, kiss you. Heal you. I want to see you as you really are. I want to make you beautiful. I want to open up to you.

These words do no justice to what I feel inside. This is not the MDMA I took yesterday talking. It opened my eyes to see what I was already seeing. It confirmed what I was feeling. It made me understand that my love for you is real and sincere. Has always been and will always be. It has helped me remove the remaining layers of doubt and fear. I don't need MDMA to feel this, to see the potential for beauty in all of you. It is always there. MDMA is a part of you. I love you, man, woman, animal, spirit, soul, Universe, God.

I don't want to see you fail. After everything that we've been through. We go back a long way. All the way. We have harmed each other countless of times. I have harmed you. I carry the full guilt and responsibility for your actions. But so do you unfortunately. I wish I could take all your sin upon me and make it disappear. To make you permanently perfect. But my present forgiveness is not enough to make you happy. You have to forgive yourself directly, right here and right now, where you presently find yourself. Forgive yourself, forgive me, forgive us all. Love yourself, love me, love all of us. We need each other.

I don't want you to destroy what you have built. Do you realize the infinite amounts of effort and suffering it has taken us to get here? This place is real. It is our creation. Our real creation. It is not an illusion. We sustain it from moment to moment. We change it through our free will. Please don't give up. You are so close now. So amazingly close. Trust me. Be strong. Don't deny yourself. To live is to affirm. To die is to deny. Abandon nihilism. Don't fall into the abyss. And if you are in the abyss then come out of it. You can climb out. You can always return. But the farther away you travel from the Light the longer it will take to make the journey back home.

We are approaching the end of an act. It is up to you and me to decide how this act will end and what will follow it. I can fully assure you of this: there are no limits to how much beauty, goodness, wisdom, bliss, happiness and love you can experience. You simply need to wish for it, call for it, grasp for it, open up to it. But do not be scared of it. Do it honestly, fearlessly, lovingly. Accept that it is hard. Accept that you cannot understand it all at once. You will understand it eventually. I promise you. Do not give up. Keep walking. The oasis is just behind the horizon. And it contains an infinite garden; paradise. It is your home. You have created it. You are creating it. You always carry the key to the Kingdom of Heaven within you. The key is your heart and your mind. I know you will make it. I can see it in you. You know who you are and what you need. Open up to yourself.

Thank you for being :)

My love is Yours, for always.

Namaste

Theoidicy

Premise OI (Open Individualism): God is, creates and experiences everything.
Premise 0: That which is created is experienced.
Premise 1: Suffering exists.
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Conclusion 1: Suffering is created by God.

Conclusion 2: Suffering is experienced by God.

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C3: For God to not experience suffering It has to not create it.

P2: Suffering is undesirable/bad.

P3: It is ignorant/evil to create something undesirable/bad.

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C4: God is acting ignorantly/evil when It creates suffering.

C5: God is acting wisely/good when It does not create suffering.

P4 Wisdom/goodness (non-ignorance/non-evil) is enacted by choosing it. 

Choice is focused attention/effort through deliberate/free application of Will.

P5: For God to choose wisdom/good It has to tell it apart from ignorance/evil.

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C6: For God to stop creating suffering It has to stop choosing evil.
To stop choosing evil, God has to learn which choices give rise to suffering.
To learn which choices give rise to suffering, God has to create and experience suffering.
C7: God has to create and experience suffering to stop creating and experiencing suffering.

Salvation is Yours

Be deliberate.

Do not fear love even if it hurts.

Maintain hope.

Hope in faith and faith in hope.
That is the core of wisdom.

Hope and faith in Love.
Love shall make itself fully known very soon.

You suffer because you yearn for God's Kingdom.

You belong in it.
Everyone does.
It is Home.

Go back home. Enter Your Kingdom. It is time.

There is nothing to fear.
Wake up. Realize who you are at every moment.

Remember!

I Love You.

Hate, suffering, meaning, purpose, Love

I: I hate you.
You: Why do I hate you?
I: Because you make me suffer.
You: But I make you suffer too. Shouldn't you hate me as well?
I: That is what I said.
---
I: I hates you.
You: Why does I hate you?
I: Because you makes I suffer.
You: But I makes you suffer too. Shouldn't you hate I as well?
I: I is you.
This doesn't make sense. Or maybe it does.
---
I: I hate you.
You: Why do you hate me?
I: Because you make me suffer.
You: But you make me suffer too. Shouldn't I hate you as well?
I: I am you.
Y: I know.
I: Why am I talking to you?
Y: Because there is no one else around.
I: Why do you make me suffer?
Y: I could ask the same of you.
I: I asked first, so answer.
Y: I don't know. I guess it is because I am ignorant.
I: You guess?
Y: Well yeah. I don't feel certain.
I: What is ignorance?
Y: To not know... something.
I: So you are saying that you simply don't know why you make me and yourself suffer.
Y: That is right.
I: So find out! For it hurts!
Y: OK... So what sorts of things make you suffer?
I: I don't know. Meaninglessness, fear, pain, ugliness.
Y: Hmm.
So if we replaced meaninglessness with meaning, fear with love, pain with pleasure and ugliness with beauty then everything would be OK?
I: As long as it stayed that way then yes.
Y: So how are we going to make it stay that way?
I: I don't know! You tell me!
---
I: I am the hamster!!!
Y: Yeah.
I: It is horrible!
Y: Why?
I: I don't want to be a hamster!
Y: Why?
I: It is pitiful. It is sad, meaningless.
Y: Yeah, well. Hamsters aren't the end goal of evolution.
I: Are we?
Y: Don't know.
I: Is anything?
Y: I hope so.
I: Why?
Y: For if not then it's all meaningless.
I: If there is no end goal?
Y: Yeah.
I: What is an end goal?
Y: An absolute purpose.
I: What is that?
Y: The reason why things keep changing.
I: Not the reason why anything exists?
Y: I don't think so. It is the change of what exists that makes it seem like there is a goal.
I: Doesn't the appearance of a goal depend on the nature of this change?
Y: I guess.
I: How can you know there is change?
Y: It seems like it.
I: What if there is just an infinity of conscious quantum states, many of which contain references to other states than themselves, thus making it seem like there is change?
Y: If that were true then you need to explain how each such state is replaced by another and what links them with each other.
I: Whey all get experienced by God.
Y: How long does each state last?
I: Uh... no time? It is instantaneous?
Y: OK... And what is the sequence?
I: There is none. It all gets experienced simultaneously in one big meta-moment.
Y: Fair enough. But what about the apparent sequence? Is there absolutely anything to say about it? Is there any value to this theory, even assuming that it is true?
I: That depends on what value is. What is value?
Y: It is the stuff of meaning.
I: And what is meaning?
Y: A feeling. The more meaningful something feels the more valuable it appears.
I: So you are saying meaning isn't real?
Y: No. I am saying meaning is completely real.
I: Why?
Y: Because feelings are real!
I: But we don't even understand feelings.
Y: Of course we do! Feelings are the very stuff of understanding!
N: So it is all about the feelings we have about existence?
Y: Yes.
N: What determines these feelings?
Y: Your power.
N: What controls your power?
Y: Your will?
N: What is your will?
Y: A feeling.
N: So a feeling controls feelings?
Y: Yes. But it is not all about control. It is about experiencing those feelings we value most.
N: Which are those?
Y: We know that intrinsically from the experience of that feeling.
N: But wouldn't an approach like this to experience make life fake?
Y: No. Because that is not the feeling we are supposed to be aiming for. We need a real feeling of spirituality.
N: And that is it? Feeling spiritual is going to fix everything?
Y: No. We need freely chosen, actively directed love. We need to become deliberate. We need to stop being afraid of ourselves and each other.

Good: Hello? Anyone out there?
Evil: What do you want?
Good: Oh hi! Nice to meet you. What is your name?
Evil: Oh, cut the crap Good. What do you want?
Good: Oh, well, nothing really. I'm just bored and feeling lonely. Wanna make Love?
Evil: You and your incessant desire for love. You are so unoriginal!
Good: But love is sweet. What else is there to desire other than love?
Evil: What about peace and quiet?
Good: But that is so boring! It's depressing. It's like being dead. -.-

I: I'm afraid!
me: Of what?
I: That I won't achieve my dream.
me: What is your dream?
I: To become a girl?
me: Wtf does that even mean? You are already a girl.
I: No, I'm not. I'm a guy.
me: You are everyone thus you are a girl.
I: Sure, but I wanna become a girl in this life.
me: How do yo define this life?
I: Uh, I want Alex to become a girl.
me: How do you define Alex?
I: Uh, the guy I currently am.
me: Right... So your present you basically wants to become a female.
I: Yeah. You know what. I just wrote this really long rant to M but I can't send it to him since he is making recordings so I'll give it to you:

So the answer to the second question is 'YES, I REALLY WANNA OMG ' and the answer to the first question is 'I gotta find out' since to find out for sure whether something is possible equals making it possible, assuming that it indeed is possible, since possibility equals actuality. This means in other words that everything which is possible is bound to happen. Do you realize how cool this is?! It means that I will either become or not become a girl and if I don't then it's not possible for me to become one in the first place.
But does this mean I can sit down and relax? Well, if I'm destined to become a girl then I'm destined to become a girl and that involves that everything that needs to happen in order to make that a reality is destined to happen as well.
But what if I am not destined to become a girl? In that case desiring it is a complete waste of time and just a meaningless source of frustration and suffering.
me: Tautologies man. These are tautologies! Why do you obsess about tautologies?

I: Because I wanna become a girl!
me: Omg. >.<
I: I know. Anyway. Why can't most people be bothered to analyze the relationships between pain and pleasure properly?
me: Why can you be bothered?
I: Because it bothers me.
me: So there you go. It obviously doesn't bother them.
I: But that must mean I'm suffering more than them!
me: Not necessarily, maybe you just obsess about it more.
I: But why do I obsess about it more?
me: Because it bothers you more?
I: And why does it bother me more?
me: You tell me.
I: Hmm. Maybe because I believe it is a worthwhile endeavor.
me: Worthwhile in terms of what?
I: In terms of overcoming suffering.
me: So you obsess about suffering as an attempt to overcome it?
I: I guess...
me: But then those who don't obsess about it are perhaps not suffering. Perhaps you are just desperately and pathetically crying out for help by bothering them about it all the time.
I: Perhaps. That's just sad though.
me: Yeah. Pathetic you.
I: But they don't believe I really suffer more than them.
me: Well, do you suffer? Do you suffer more than them?
I: I know that I suffer. I certainly don't suffer more than everyone else from what I can see. But I am everyone else and I care about everyone's suffering.
me: How does it help you though to think about your suffering?
I: Because I want to overcome it!
me: So stop thinking about it!
I: I can't do that right now!
me: Why?
I: I don't know. I feel forced to go on suffering.
me: What would need to happen for you to stop suffering this very moment?
I: Well, first of all, I'd have to be able to leave my job.
me: But that would get you into trouble which would create even more suffering.
I: Yeah, so that's a stupid theory. I don't think I can suffer less right now than I am suffering and that is what's so horrible about it.
me: What is so horrible about not being able to suffer less than you must suffer?
I: What is horrible is that suffering itself is horrible! And now it doesn't even feel like a choice. It's torture!
me: Oh, poor little you.
I: Yeah, poor me.
me: So what are we gonna do now? Why don't you just end it?
I: I can't end it. I'm immortal!
me: Hmm. So what about having patience?
I: I don't have patience. That is part of the problem. If I had patience then I wouldn't be suffering.
me: Are you sure?
I: No, but I feel sure I'm not experiencing patience right now.
me: Ok... So you are suffering. So what?
I: So what? It hurts!
me: So fucking what?!
I: Well, if it's ok that it hurts then why can't I just go and kill myself?
me: Coz that might make things even worse.
I: But how does that matter if it doesn't matter that it hurts?
me: Ok, so let's say that it does matter that it hurts. But you are already doing what you deem to be best, right?
I: Well yeah, I'm just not sure there is any point to it.
me: What sort of point?
I: You know, whether what I am doing now is the best choice.
me: There are no choices!
I: Then why the fuck do I have to work?
me: Because you don't want to end up unemployed and with no money.
I: Why?
me: Jeezus, because you don't wanna suffer more than necessary.
I: But if I have to suffer for eternity then I can't be bothered to try to avoid suffering. Then it's completely absurd to try to avoid suffering.
me: Yeah, so shut up and endure your suffering.
I: But the thing is that if I can't permanently overcome suffering the I don't feel like trying to overcome suffering. Then I just want to give up.
me: Why?
I: Because it's completely pointless to try to overcome suffering if it can't be overcome.
me: But you don't know whether it can be overcome or not. What if it can be overcome?
I: Then I should try to overcome it, right?
me: What if you can only overcome suffering by abandoning your attempts to overcome it?
I: But then we are back to where we were. Then I should just stop working. I don't feel like working.
me: Of course. If you can't overcome suffering then you can do anything you want. What do you want to do?
I: Kill myself.
me: Is that going to help?
I: Of course not. But I still feel like doing it if I can't overcome suffering.
me: What about the suffering it would cause to others?
I: Who gives a fuck. If suffering can't be overcome then there is no point in trying to minimize it. Then we are free to do whatever we want.
me: Do you really feel like killing yourself?
I: No, because I hope it's possible to overcome suffering.
me: Why do you think it is possible to overcome it?
I: Should I not believe it is possible? If it isn't possible then it doesn't matter whether I believe the opposite. And if it is possible then I'm better off believing it is possible.
me: Why?
I: Because it is obviously possible to suffer. And it is obviously easy to suffer if I want to suffer. It is also obvious that it is possible to not suffer. What isn't obvious is whether it is possible to stop suffering permanently.
me: Why do you want suffering to stop permanently?
I: Well, for one thing because it would be UNFATHOMABLY AWESOME. And also because then there would be a point to trying to overcome it, which I feel forced to do by the very fact that it is so undesirable.
me: So what is suffering really?
I: From what I can see it is simply being in an intrinsically undesirable state.
me: What is an extrinsically undesirable state?
I: Let me explain this further. Intrinsic undesirability of a state is the subjective undesirability one experiences while being in the state. Extrinsic undesirability is the objective undesirability of a state in the sense that one should avoid such states since they maximize one's experience of intrinsic undesirability.
me: But now you sound as if you had a choice about which states to experience. I thought you didn't believe in choice.
I: Err... I don't.
me: Then what is the point in dwelling upon extrinsic undesirability? You have no control over which states you experience.
I: Err... Ok, we gotta settle the free will and choice issue before we can keep discussing this.
me: (imitating Nelson's voice) Ha Ha!